and blah, blah, blahs...

Missed.

Wed, 20 Jan 2010 04:10:36 -0800

Dan called at 2 something AM. He had awoken from a dream. He thought in his half asleep state that our earlier conversation that night didn’t seem right. It’s all okay, Bub. I do hope he remembers tomorrow.

I have been sleeping later and later since he left and after I got back from my visit up North. Try 7 AM, yesterday. Now, it’s 4:14 AM. I just don’t like to fall asleep alone in the house. Roommates worked well, but now I only have the fish.

I caught myself telling the truth about my robbery in Cuzco, Peru. I was not robbed at some sharp object. I was pick pocketed by a gang of Peruanos. But, I had been telling this story of the chick, sticking something at my side. In my lie, I didn’t know what it was, and didn’t want to risk my life. So, I threw my wallet away, and she ran after it.

They did get my wallet and other stuff. Out of my bag, after they descended and ganged up on me. The sharp object story sounds much more adventurous though.

I quickly recanted the half blurted truth to half-conscious, Dan...no, no, this is what happened...

---------------------------
It’s raining again...seriously. There’s a storm watch all along the coast of California.

That little story made me think about all that jewelry I bought in South America. Those souvenir trinkets.

I went into the closet and rummaged around for that bag from Brazil where I stowed all my baubles in.

Found it. Along with jewelry I’ve amassed from my trip to SE Asia a few months after that S. American trip.

A tear welled up.

Fell, plop. Plop, plop, plop. They all dropped onto my lap.

Here’s the bracelet my Tita Helen gave me. Here’s the necklace and bracelet she and my Tito Inka gave me for the holidays in 2008. That was the first Christmas, birthday and New Year I celebrated back in the Philippines after I left 20 years ago.

Here’s the necklace my Tita Bian haggled for me. Here are the handmade necklaces my Thai friends help me pick out in Bangkok...

I miss Tito Inka. He passed away August of 2009. No one expected that. I never ever thought that was going to be the last time I’d see him. I’m so glad I came home. I’m so glad I saw them all.

The House was sold this year. All my memories of my grandparents and childhood seem, and feel, like they’ve been sold as well.

The last piece of reality.

Of how it all began for Kongkong and Lola...for the aunt and uncles...for the cousins...for Harty and Shiobe...for Lola Payeng...for all the friends...for me.

We miss Kongkong.
We miss Lola.
We miss Tito Inka.

Every loved one gone is missed.
The House too, will be missed.

And, I.

I shall always be missing.

Dear Santa...

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 22:04:31 -0800

Purty please...

One Wii
One Kindle
One Macbook Pro
A sack of cash.

Thank you.
Rhez

First, the end of one...

Thu, 23 Jul 2009 00:24:49 -0700

Another day,
And, it’s over again.
Never felt right from the start,
Still feeling empty at the end.
What’s left of my castle?
Just a mound of sand.
We were building,
On imaginary ground.
My dream,
Not the reality.
My hope,
Not my love.
Is there a fitting way,
To walk away?
I wish I could hold on,
I know I can’t.
My strength,
The source of my pain.
Let it go,
Set it free.

30 of 50...

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 19:13:22 -0700

ASIA
Philippines (74, 97, 05, 07, 08)
China (02-03, 05)
Thailand (05, 08)
Vietnam (08)
Cambodia (08)
Laos (08)
Malaysia (08)
Indonesia (08)

OCEANIA
Australia (08)

NORTH AMERICA
United States (88-present)
Canada (04)
Mexico (95, 97)

SOUTH AMERICA
Venezuela (08)
Colombia (08)
Ecuador (08)
Peru (08)
Bolivia (08)
Chile (08)
Argentina (08)
Uruguay (08)
Paraguay (08)
Brazil (08)

Central America
Costa Rica (07)
Nicaragua (07)

EUROPE
Belgium (05)
The Netherlands (05)
Spain (05)
France (06)
England (06)

AFRICA
Egypt (06)

ANTARCTICA

Yeah, yeah....

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 01:40:47 -0700

I don’t want to be here.
I want to be with you.

I want to be where you are.
Is that too much to ask?

This isn’t supposed to be this way.
The way I am when you’re around.

Can you forgive me?
I can’t do it the way you want.
I can’t do it the way I want.

Can you let it go?
I am not the one.
We can only pretend.

This Moment Lyrics - Nic Chagall - f. Jonathan Mendelsohn

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 10:36:02 -0700

I’ve been running on, running on empty
For way too many miles now
I’ve been flying with broken wings
 And now I’m falling faster to the ground
And it’s a bitter end to a story so sweet
Like a long lost friend
That’s never found a way back to me
And I can’t deny these memories
Got me all locked up inside
And you hold the key
All that I need is this moment
To send me away with a smile on my face
I tried to leave but I turn back
On my heart remains a trace
All that I seek is this moment
All day in my mind I recreate
If there was a way to get back
This feeling of chase..of chase
All that I need is this moment
This moment..

Supposition...

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 21:27:46 -0700

How now am I to deal with this?

How now am I going to cope with the distance?

How now am I able to stay strong?

How now am I to hold on?

How now am I to love you?

How now am I supposed to live my life without you?

I have to let you go.

Boo-boo

Tue, 9 Jun 2009 13:10:23 -0700

I will always be here.
You will always be my baby.
You are my only one.
I trust you. Completely.
I want you to be the happiest.
I never want you in pain.
I will always protect you.
I will love you forever.
I will think of you always.
You have never done any wrong.
And, I will always forgive you.

I’m sorry for my inadequacies.
For leaving constantly.
For not staying long enough.
For being ignorant and unconscious.
For forgetting sometimes.

Thank you so much.
For never doubting me.
For your undying loyalty.
For loving me unconditionally.
For always being here.

I know you understand.
I know you know.
That I love you very much.

On being stripped...

Sat, 30 May 2009 16:52:02 -0700

I don’t know how I’m going to trust again.
I don’t know if I am setting myself up to be fooled.
Again...

I don’t know why I don’t want to let go.
I can’t explain why I refuse to listen.
Always...

Holding on...
Waiting for...
Hoping still...

They say it is blind.
They say it conquers all.
They say it means forgiving.

I see.
I hope.
I hurt.

Am I human?
Or am I in love?

A reminder about Bub...

Thu, 28 May 2009 19:56:35 -0700

You won't be his first, his last, or his only
He's loved before, he will love again, but if
He loves you now, what else matters?

He's not perfect, and neither are you
And the two of you will never be perfect
But, if he makes you laugh, at least once
Causes you to think twice, and, admits
To being human, and making mistakes...

Hold on to him, and give him all you've got
He's not going to quote poetry
He is not going to be thinking of you every moment
But, he will give you a part of him,
That he knows you can break.

Don't hurt him
Don't change him
Don't expect too much from him
Smile when he makes you happy
Cry when he makes you sad, and
Miss him when he's not there.